Dear August

​Dear August,

It was five in the morning when we left the house to go to the airport. The driver drove in the highway, and it was the first time I saw the sun rises from Jakarta skyline.

The sky was dark, and there were a lot of city lights. I was never up on that hour until that day. The quiet sound of a busy city somehow brought peace.

At the airport we saw biracial couple hugged each other for quite a long time. I was in a long distance relationship, but I don’t think it can measure to what the two have. Something inside me broke that morning. 

I made what I considered big decision this month. It felt just as dark as that early morning. I was scared and confused. I lost my way once again.

They say it’s always the darkest before dawn, I didn’t know til then. The transition of night to day was frightening yet beautiful. The rarity of purple tinted sky in polluted city made everything seems poetic.

I did not see it coming, August. I thought you’d simply pass by without me noticing. But huge change happened. Some understanding acquired. Friendship deepened. And for the first time, I learned to choose the right choice.

There will be times when your best isn’t good enough. However as long as you’re doing your best, there shall never be any regret.

Life well lived, life so loved; I think I redefine the meaning of happiness.

Dear August, thank you for being true.

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So I come home.

That yellow tinted sky as spring came to an end, when we were both too far to reach for each other; was very beautiful. I haven’t seen a sky like that since I came back.

That spring wind on one a.m when I walked to mini market with one of my most precious girl; I want to have it annually-every spring, every year.

The cold morning rain I woke up to, when the rest of the world was asleep. As I looked up to the grey tinted sky, I found God’s presence.

Those times I waited for the bus, the train,

the cold underground station where everyone lives in a rush.

The long phone-calls discussing nothing because the internet connection is too obnoxious for us to even talk about something.

All the adventures I went without you because I need some space.

You see, I long for everything you’re not into. You dislike rain, and you always mentions how the wind ruined your hair. You don’t spend time looking at the sky; you only care about buildings.

You like to drive around and you hate having to initiate the call. You long to be in my life, I long to be some place where I don’t know everyone. You’re content where you are; I’m dying to get out.

Yet you let me go; you let me run free.

So I come home.

 

Dear July

It’s safe to say that you’re my favorite month throughout 2016. Almost everyday when I wake up I hear the sound of rain falling to the earth, and the muted tone of morning rain always makes me feel inspired. I write a lot this month, and through words I got back to my feet.

The highlight of you would be the sudden visit from boyfriend. He has always been my one of my biggest fan, my best supporter. However, I know growth requires sacrifice; so in order for him pursuing his dream, he got to move place. I’m not sad or anything about his move, but things are easier when you have someone who’ll always be around. Be it wedding dates or quest to find the perfect shoes to go to that wedding.

To be honest I fell back to depression multiple times, but some of the darker part of you were cast away by some of my favorite people on earth. My gratitude to them is summed up on this quote;

“When it was dark, you always carried the sun in your hand for me.” – Sean O’Cassey, Three More Plays: The Silver Tassie, Purple Dust, Red Roses For Me (via Tumblr)

Do you remember the car ride alone when it was raining all day for like a week and I need to run errands? You were so kind in making the sky looked poetic. By the way, making poems out of sky and its colors is better than out of heart break. Just an opinion.

Regardless all the rain and wind and unexpected drop in temperature, I am thankful for the wonderful month. A lot of faith restored, and doubts melted into the scorching hot afternoon as I write this.

Dear July, thanks for being wonderful.

 

Rainy Day Essential

One of the best thing in life is waking up to the sound of rain falling on the earth. I always find that those kind of days will always be my best day, just because of the romantic feeling the air gives.

It makes me want to write a poetry sometimes.

But today it makes me want to put on my denim jacket instead!DSCF7716-01

Tropical heat is unbeatable, but the occasional rain and a little drop of temperature make denim jacket bearable. Personally I love jackets in general, but sometimes it’s just too hot. I pair it with Uniqlo Dress just in case the weather gets back to normal.

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Denim + Casual Dress + Sneakers is my go too favorite. I can’t say which one I love most, but I guess it’s safe to say that most of the attention goes to the denim jacket! It gives the dress the extra kick of confidence, but still laid back because I pair it with a pretty comfy looking sneakers. By the way, this sneakers are my favorite because they’re so comfortable to walk on!

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This is my attempt at looking badass, but the only badass thing I see is the jacket! Well, at least I tried. This jacket is a hand me down from my cool aunt, and I love the worn feel it has. Not quite a boyfriend denim jacket, but fierce enough on its own.

What about you? What’s your rainy day essential?

 

Moments

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On one rainy afternoon of last year as I continued to do my research in the laboratory, I thought of how nice it would be if I were home instead. Having a nice solitude moment with a book, a cup of tea, and some paper to write on. It felt like the right thing to do because the sky has that perfect grey tint to it. It makes me want to create stories.

At that time I did not know I would miss my student life. University was hard, and I did not like the subject I was studying. It was time and energy consuming; not to mention the depression of the haunting ‘what-ifs’. I only finished on time just so my dad won’t need to pay my tuition for another semester. Also, the chaos of never-ending laboratories for another six months isn’t appetizing at all.

Right now, after almost a year leaving university I remember those rainy afternoons where things would seem so much softer, more forgiving that it was. I remember the friends without whom I wouldn’t know the gift of friendship. People who used to be one laboratory away, or one floor away, or one classroom away. Now that we all have a life on our own, moments like that are irreplaceable. These days I have been wishing; wishing I had enjoyed my student life more; wishing I did not complain as much as I did; wishing I had appreciated those moments as it happened.

I’m typing this post while listening to the sound of the rain outside my window. I always find it amusing when something sets me back to a moment which would be gone otherwise. Things like perfume, fabric softener scent, rainy mornings, or the touch of the wind on your face. In my solitude today I have my books, tea, the perfect grey tinted sky, and everything else in between. One day when life gets busier, I would remember this moment as I sip on a hot tea inside a brightly lit room with five other people, discussing a project.

Lessons learned; moments are meant to be embraced, not rushed.

Someone else’s prayer

Three years ago on a car fight with a loved one I threw some unnecessary words that I know will wound him the most, only to validate my own feelings and emotion which neither important nor tangible. I remember he got so mad at me he threw some words back just to hurt my already so little confidence and faith I had for myself.

It was not a model relationship, and I resent the self I had that time. I resent the self that did not read enough good book, did not get enough sleep, did not know where to go. I hated the self whose self image and confidence and faith could only come from validated emotion even if it’s at the expense of someone else’s feeling. It wasn’t even selfishness, it was being self centered. And self centered self is always worse than just being selfish. Self centered self means you are indifferent towards life, you just care about yourself. It means you see relationship as a mere functioning ship to feed on your ego.

I remember tho, we were quiet after all the yell. The car stopped in a stoplight, and as always little kids to adults to even grandma and grandpas were there. Selling knick-knacks, peanuts, or newspaper. I also remember when I saw a grandma older than my own, slowly approaching my car, I opened the window without thinking and bought her newspaper.

It was 4 p.m. I don’t care about news since most of them are almost always depressing and if something is worthwhile I’d probably heard that already. However I bought the paper.

This small act of kindness I did is in no way trying to be boastful, in case someone uses the wrong glasses today. I just want to share what happens afterwards. She, in a soft voice said “May all the happiness be with you. May you be blessed. Thank you.*” and I nodded in exchange of that.

 That was the sincerest prayer I’ve received in my whole life.

He with his hands on the steering wheel looked at me and said this,”See, you’re a good person. Try to understand your own mixed feeling and emotion then deliver it in a nicer way.”

And we stopped fighting.

It’s funny. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. True, I remember it was dark and depressing and no one should go that far just to validate their own emotion, but I couldn’t remember the subject. I don’t really want to.

But I remember the 10 seconds prayer said by someone on a scorching hot afternoon in the city.

It’s all in priorities, isn’t it?

That prayer changed my perspective which in the end change my life. No, I did not go back home and think I should study politic then become the president that changes the country to give better life to people. I’m still me, writing, baking, and living life. I’m still hanging on, and sometimes I still fail on hanging on.

But that prayer, that whispered prayer has become a proof that the world, no matter how messed up, no matter how many bad news we heard/read/saw, is still a good place. It has become a proof that I was indeed loved. It has become a proof that even though most of us are mediocre, we shall not stop giving our best.

After all, she gave all of her best to walk car to car on 4 p.m in the afternoon to sell newspaper.

*more or less

The Piano Guy at Typical Apartment

A man comes out of the room

Wipes his glasses clean with a cloth

He opens the curtain

Takes a glance of that day’s sky

Then walks to the piano on the other side of the room

He sits on the chair

Hands gripping the soft leather cushion

Head tilted, he breathes in deep

Opens the lid

Begins to sing

One floor down a young woman

Whose life is spent rushing

Leans to a wall beside her

Closes her eyes

Dimples shown

One floor up an elderly couple

Listens

Forgets what they were just arguing about

Sunlight seeps through the window

The pianist hit the last note

Closing lid

Hands on the soft leather cushion

Feet on the soft velvet rug his wife bought 10 years ago

He doesn’t play under the spotlight

But he has an audience

Whose soul, unknowingly, he touched